Thoughts, Opinions, and Irrational Ranting

Last night, my goal was achieved – I, Michelle Schwartz, was the number one hit on Google for “angry butch lesbian.” Thank you all for your assistance. I feel like together we really made a difference. Okay, that might be a bit of an overstatement, but I hope we all at least had some fun helping me complete my journey to the top. Click the image to admire:

Sadly, by morning, my title had been usurped by that stupid gamer forum. ::shakes fist:: But that’s okay, at least I got a screencap of my moment of glory. And with that, I hereby end my quest. This blog will now resume being a infrequently updated catalog of my dull academic pursuits and occasional forays into cooking. The end.

After yesterday’s post, I went out for the night. When I came home, I decided to check and see if the Google robots had done their work. And lo and behold, they had! Click to enlarge:

That’s right – yours truly is now number two, three, and four in the listings. At the end of this campaign, I hope to usurp the number one position from that stupid gaming forum. I wish the search terms had been “angry butch dyke,” because I always prefer “dyke” to “lesbian,” but whatever, I will take my Google popularity where I can get it.

As the self Google-appointed expert on being an angry butch lesbian, today I will be writing a critique of the site ranked right below me:

wikiHow: How to Be a Butch Lesbian

Before we get down to the nitty gritty, please be aware that you will be getting advice from someone who looks like this. So, in old school forum parlance, your mileage may vary.

Okay, so, generally this WikiHow isn’t the worst thing I’ve ever read on the internet, but as I once read a fanfic in which the cast of Law & Order: SVU were all 15 and went to a British boarding school, that’s not saying much.

First, I will take their quiz:

Why do you want to be butch?
To fulfill Google’s vision of me, clearly.

Do you feel attractive and natural in this look? Or is this just a cheap scheme to get women’s attention?
Hah! Wait, what? Have you been to a dyke bar lately? Every woman there–butches, femmes, and everyone in between–spent hours picking out the perfect outfit as a cheap scheme to get women’s attention. In the words of my hero, Effing Dykes:

When the first lesbian opened her eyes on the first morning of the dawn of the world, she put on a plaid shirt and walked to the first co-op, where the cute cashier promptly hit on her. They were fruitful and multiplied, and that’s where baby dykes come from.

If it weren’t for these cheap schemes to get women’s attention, there would be no lesbians at all.

Can you handle people knowing about your sexuality? How will others react?
OMG, what if they don’t like MEEEEE!1eleventy!

I would argue that most queers have to make the decision that visibility and honesty is more important to them than safety or acceptance, not just butches, although it is true that butch women take on a greater burden. Of course, the most flaming, twinkiest gay men also take these same risks, so this alone can’t define butch.

Develop more masculine mannerisms

The only part of this paragraph that I completely agree with is “Don’t slouch,” but that’s more of a general rule than a butch rule. And since my working definition of butch seems to be “I know it when I find it attractive” and I find slouching to be a total turn off, I will say that “don’t slouch” is a perfectly fine rule. The rest of the paragraph’s directive to mimic the movements of “popular guys” seems more appropriate for the Drag King Manual than butch instructions. Butch lesbians are cooler than men, therefore they don’t need to study men for tips.

Get some masculine clothing

Okay, I will second the importance of not wearing clip-on ties. The rest, WRONG. A true butch can wear whatever she wants and still be butch. I believe Yoda once said to Princess Leia, “Gold bikinis do not a butch make, but do not a butch unmake. From within comes the butch, not from without.”

Also, every lesbian wears t-shirts with cool designs on them. The butches cannot keep this one to themselves.

Shoes: You really only need 3 pairs: comfy shoes, dress shoes and boots

WRONG. A butch only needs her boots.

Boxers – No butch should wear girly undies.

WRONG. Butches can wear whatever underwear they want. Would you tell this woman “I’m sorry, but your fishnets aren’t very butch”?

No, you wouldn’t say that, because you would be too busy quaking in fear.

As an aside, we went to the opening match of the Toronto Roller Derby last night and it was super fun (except for the snow storm and the fact that the organizers only ordered one pizza at a time for a ravenous crowd of hundreds). I became totally obsessed with Land Shark (pictured above), who was the badass jammer for the Death Track Dolls. I don’t know if she would call herself butch, but at the arena there is a five foot tall photo of her with a mohawk and a face covered in blood, so… whatever she identifies as, she’s fucking hot.

So, returning to the topic of the post, the same rules apply to makeup and short hair. True butches can wear all the makeup and have as much hair as they want. True story: the butchest woman I ever saw was buying a latte in a coffee shop in Cody, Wyoming. She had long blonde hair and I believe she was wearing a pink cowgirl shirt. She also broke mustangs for a living and was 99% pure muscle. ROWR.

Be active. Try to get into a sport or just work out.

Pshaw. While I certainly enjoy a muscular woman, there is no butch imperative to be sporty. Eileen Myles is more butch than all of you, and she’s a chain-smoking poet.

You doubt me? Eileen Myles has been immortalized as a Celebrity Lezbian Fist. Have you been immortalized as a Celebrity Lezbian Fist? You haven’t? Then I’ve made my point.

Be chivalrous and gentleman-like.

Ugh, no, don’t do this. Chivalry=Misogyny. Women don’t like to be treated like small children who can’t take care of themselves. The world should dump “chivalry” in favor of “common human decency.” There’s nothing specifically “gentleman-like” about holding a door or letting a pregnant woman have your seat on the subway. Everyone should do this.

Finally, there are these final tips. This is a touchy subject, for sure, but as your friendly angry neighborhood butch, I am going to dive right in.

Don’t hate men or straight people. This makes you sink to the level of homophobes.

WRONG. I am so sick of this argument! Sigh… where to begin? Straight men have used their dominant position in society to oppress women and queers for centuries. Homophobia has led to queer men and women being beaten, imprisoned, humiliated and murdered. Hating your oppressor for treating you this way does not equal homophobia. I try not to feel hate, but I do feel anger, hence the “angry” in “angry butch lesbian.” When things like this stop happening, I will stop being angry. Which brings us to my final point:

“Angry lesbians” do not attract friends, get good jobs or get girlfriends.

LIES! Angry lesbians may never be popular with the dominant hegemony, however they certainly won’t have trouble attracting friends or girlfriends. Look at me, for instance. I’m totally angry–even Google agrees–but I have great friends and a great girlfriend. Some people even find my anger charming. But it’s not just me. Some women, like Diane Dimassa, have even turned their anger into an entire career. And all lesbians face job discrimination, not just the angry ones. The job discrimination, by the way, is part of the reason we’re angry in the first place.

So that’s it, that’s my advice from an Angry Butch Lesbian. You’re welcome. In conclusion:

I checked my Google Analytics for this website today, and found that someone found me by Googling “angry butch lesbian.” Hah! I feel so validated – all my hard work is paying off. I wanted to see how high up in the listings I was, so I repeated the search. Click the image to enlarge:

As this marks the only time in the history of the world that I will beat out Lillian Faderman in Google search results, I felt it necessary to gloat.

In even more immature news, I added “Michelle Schwartz is an Angry Butch Lesbian” as both the title and alt text for the above screenshot in an attempt to bolster these results up to number one. Angry butch lesbian. Angry butch lesbian. Crawl me Google, crawl me!

“The safety of the world depends on your saying ‘no’ to inhumane ideas. Standing up for one’s own integrity makes you no friends. It is costly. Yet defiance of the mob, in the service of that which is right, is one of the highest expressions of courage I know.” — Gabrielle Giffords